He lies on the Jester's cart - 30

MaDMan

Apr 01, 2025

He lies on the Jester's cart

MaDMan

Mar 30

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What I see is black. It’s the blackness that envelops me.

I float weightless. In this vast sea, I move in a direction unknown to me.

It’s always been here. It needs no real explanation.

I’m descending, that much I can say. I’m descending, and it’s a gentle embrace for me. I feel the soft caress of your thought wrapping around me, and I’m at peace, I’m down here, I’m with you.

It feels like an infinite space. Yet I can sense its boundaries. It’s so vast that I can stretch my arms inside it and still have time to breathe. Your sound rises on my skin, leaving white imprints on my rosy surface. Timeless is this dance. Pure pleasure. Varied notes, harmony, and a distant rhythm. A faint drum beating in the shadows, marking the time, the steady pulse. The snap of skin, the vibration of wood. My face is turned downward, and I descend. Eyes open, and I smile. It’s dark, but I can see. Flickers in the distance. Soft sails bringing a cargo of shivers, pure emotion. Unfiltered. I am consumed by it. Throughout my soul, I don’t know where it begins, I don’t know where it ends. There’s no break in it. Do I have limits? It’s hard to perceive them. It feels like I completely belong to this, like I am this place.

There’s a reflection below. The color is dark, blue, dark blue, and black. A fluid movement, liquid, where my descent is headed. I see it getting closer, a circle expanding in size, perfectly round, a placid lake, water lying at the bottom of this cavern with no walls. The surface is still. I approach it, and I see myself falling, my hands reaching toward it. It’s peaceful. Silent. Pure. I approach, and I see a figure in the water. It’s my reflection, reflecting me as I fall, arms outstretched. My head. My shoulders. I’m a light feather. The closer I get, the larger the figure grows. Its edges sharpen, and I see.

I see that it’s not me.

It’s not my reflection in the water. It’s Marzio.

I’m close now, and so is he. Just centimeters apart, and I stop. I look at him, and he looks at me. I smile, and he smiles.

He smiles at me.

My heart breaks seeing you like this, just as I’ve always adored you. My heart is yours. You know that, don’t you? I think it, and he nods. He nods. His hair moves gently in the water.

I long to kiss you. To hold you. To keep you with me. The water is so close.

The closer I get, the closer you are.

I close my eyes. I feel the water touch my nose. It’s warm. My lips, my cheeks, and my forehead. I submerge my face in this dark lake. I breathe deeply. I feel calm here. I open my eyes. You are there, watching me. I see you clearly. Right in front of me.

I stretch out my arms, immersed in this water that feels like amniotic fluid, home. Toward you, my fingers, toward yours that reach out too. We laugh, we laugh together. In unison. Just a few millimeters, and I’ll be able to touch your fingers, finally.

And from behind you, he emerges. From the darkness, with his hat, his nose, and his grin that’s a fierce grimace. He grabs me by the shoulders, furious. I try to break free, I don’t want this. You are below, far away, at his feet, and he’s huge here next to me, yanking my hair, screaming horrible things at me. I scream, I don’t want to go, I don’t want this. I can no longer see your face, and he’s too strong, too much of everything. He pulls my arms, my shoulders, my hair, my head downward. I can’t resist. He drags me down, and the water swallows me. I sink like a heavy stone. The air turns cold, thick. I fall freely. Into the void. There’s nothing here but pressure, pressing down on me, crushing me, making me small. I fall, and I don’t know how long I’ve been falling.

I’ve been falling for an eternity. I don’t even know if I’m breathing anymore.

A flash envelops me.

It’s you. Crying. A child. In elementary school, wearing a white apron. Crying. You’re filled with fear and sadness. Crying desperately in a corner. They left you alone. Your sobs surround me, filling my lungs. They’re my sobs. The sound echoes in this giant classroom, distorted, the low rasp of a baritone clearing his throat.

I see your house. Your parents’ house. I know it’s theirs. You know it too. You’re outside the kitchen. You’re ten years old. Shouts come from the door. It’s a fight. Your mother and father arguing. The words are harsh. You stand there, listening. You hear it all. You turn, and there’s your brother’s huge face. It’s your fault. He says. It’s your fault. You were never supposed to be born. His eyes are fiery, his tongue green, his lips purple. He’s a snake with a forked tongue slithering between my legs.

You should be ashamed. It’s your mother speaking, looking at you, fourteen years old. Her face disdainful. The mortification shakes your spine and reverberates into your eyes. Everything vibrates, everything is doubled. No. And then No, another No. Not today. Voices all around repeating only this, No. A wall of No, in every possible intonation. I said no. I said no. I’m sorry, but it’s no. The doubt, the certainty. My hands crumble. I look at them, and they’re sand, in a yellow desert. Where I’m all alone. Why do people want to hurt me, I wonder. It’s Marzio’s voice that echoes. On the walls of my mind, this theater with endless walls, balconies filled with mannequins, immobile spectators. And him, and me, in the center of the stage. A child on his knees, crying, fists pressed to his eyes.

A violet flame emerges from the darkness, writhing, twisting, a woman’s voice, a seductive laugh, sultry. She’s beautiful, with wide hips like the alpine valleys, a narrow waist like a fjord, breasts full and firm like grapes on the hills, nipples hard and red, pointing upward, toward pleasure. Her hands move, gliding down, from her ribs to her navel, stopping there and then lower, into the darkest depths. A flash of pleasure illuminates the room. Her lips are wet, pink. She turns. The face is there, her hair pulled back. I look into my own eyes. I’m looking at myself. It’s me. It’s me moaning. The pleasure envelops me deeply, and I feel the pressure, the control fading away, the sharpness of a scream, a trill. The color red, the color violet. The depths advancing. Grabbing me, rising. All the way to the tip of my tongue, spreading like a beacon over the sea of shadows. It shines sharper and sharper. And it goes out.

Silence.

A door closes. A desk. Not bad. A voice nearby says. I look up. It’s Cardia. He sets the papers on the desk and looks at me. There’s a hidden smile on his lips.

The room is far away. A cube in the void. It’s the only light. The only light I see. The only light that fades. Gone. And I’m alone again.

A café table. “Caffè degli Artisti”, says the sign outside, green and gold. A taxi pulls up nearby, its plate reading Rome. You look up. A man gets out. Behind his sunglasses, I see him with you. He approaches. His expression is grim. Your heart races. He steps into the shadow of this tall umbrella protecting us from the sun. His gaze falls on you. He comes closer, and I move away. With every step he takes, I’m further away. ‘Are you Marzio?’ you nod. ‘The flight was a little delayed. I read about the situation, I know how to help you, I can give you the key to understanding.’ Lili. You are Lili. You are the key.

Standing. There’s the sound of a car behind me. It approaches. It passes behind me. Its headlights illuminate the asphalt, it slows, and turns, stopping further ahead. It parks. The lights go out, the engine stops. The door opens, and you get out, Marzio.

It’s you, with your shirt, your pants. You get out and close the car behind you. A computer in your hands. Your face is tense, steely. You walk briskly. There’s a gray aluminum door. You reach out and open it. The corridor is dark, there’s a door at the end, it’s your door. Your office. You touch the handle. It’s open. You flinch. Why is it open? Why should it be open? You always lock it. Fear rises inside you. Your breaths grow heavy, but you’re here, you have to go in. You have to get it and put it somewhere safe. For me. Before you leave.

The door opens. It’s a massive stone slab, kilometers thick, with roots deep into the center of the earth. The darkness beyond is so black. Your hand reaches out, the light that appears is dim, veiled. A curtain falls, and the stage opens. The same shiver runs through me when you turn and see a man behind your desk. Few hairs on his head, his gaze fixed on you, his eyes cold. Determined. A single thought. You stand there, frozen, with your hand on the handle, trying to figure out what. When. Oh, Marzio, you wanted to leave. To escape. Your shoulders pull back. And a hand grabs you. Pulls you in before anything else. You feel like you’re giving in. That you have no strength left. Another step, and you lean forward to keep from falling. The door closes, and a man behind you watches. Blond hair, long on his neck. He reaches into your pockets and takes what you have. His blue eyes stare down at you. What do they want from you? What they want, we know. Please, have a seat, and a hand gestures to the chair. Beyond the desk. What game are we playing? You sit, they make you sit. He smiles. He’s playing. Where are the papers? What papers? He laughs. A fist lands on your neck. It’s so strong you sway, you feel like you’re losing balance, you bend over, trying to understand what’s happening. Where are the papers? He repeats. You raise one arm, then the other, and set the computer on the desk. He smiles. It’s an evil smile. It’s all been written already. You realize it now. You knew before, but now it hits you. Another punch, in the same spot. It knocks you off the chair. Hands on the floor. They lift you and put you back in place. Don’t try anything funny. We’ll break you. Is there a way out of here without being broken? The fear is inside you, inside me. There’s a thought. Money. Offer them money, offer them what you have, do it. Save yourself, save yourself. Survive a little longer. But you don’t. It will end here. You know it. How much more to do, how much more to say, count your breaths. One by one. One less with each second. It’s all started. There’s no stopping it. You know it, they see it. They try again, but what more is there to say? Everything you need is here. You’re still missing something, can we end it like this? They make you stand up. In the center of the room. Kneel, then. No, not this. Please, no. Your knees won’t bend. They repeat it. Until two blows from behind do their work, and you fall to the floor like this. Hands clasped to your chest, lips pressed tight. Tight together. Hands clasped to your chest. It will be quick, you say. It will be quick. They wet your head. It runs down your hair and then your neck. The smell of gasoline seeps into your skin. Oh God. It’s done. My name, my name, my name fills the air, fills the room. You cry. Tears mix with the liquid soaking you. A stronger blow hits the back of your head. It’s strong, you stagger, the world spins, my name, my name. It can’t end like this, it can’t. It can’t. Consciousness fades. And you float above it all. The ceiling holds you back. Looking down. The two men are on opposite sides, and you’re on the floor, the piece of paper in hand. Go out. He says. A flame. The paper ignites. You’re there, you see yourself, you see the fire fall.

And then it begins. It burns. The flames rise high, the heat unbearable. Everything around burns. The desk, everything on it, the cabinets, the papers, the chairs. The walls blacken—hell on earth. You raise your hands to the sky. One last desperate prayer. My name, my name. On all the papers, there’s my name, in every image, there’s my name, my name.

Your shirt, your pants. They turn black. Your skin shrinks away.

Up there on the ceiling, you remain, you need to fly away. Complete your journey. Return to the source. But you can’t. You don’t want to. The name, my name. There’s still more to do. The black seed grows from your stomach. The pain, the love. The two weights that still bind you to the chain of suffering. A life that isn’t life. You can’t integrate them anymore—they separate. Superfluous layers fly away. Only the core remains. He clings to you like a malignant tumor. The last two elements left. Love and pain. A blasphemous embrace, yet so natural.

I see the both of you. The both are you. I’m here outside. The flames shatter the glass, exploding into a thousand pieces, and the fire rises, rises higher. I feel the heat on me. It’s so strong that I want to step back, but I stay still. Long shadows stretch across the ground. My eyes hurt, but you are there. Your body is there, and it’s ending. It’s ending like this. Oh, my love, my Marzio, what have they done to you? How could they do this to you? With what courage, with what strength?

I cry. I cry in silence. My tears have no weight. How much I love you. How much pain.

What I feel now.

What you feel now.

My love.

Where is the chill of death?

I hear in the air a distant chord, a major chord. It rises, rises in intensity. It vibrates with the flames. And it comes to me. The chill of death, where is it?

Something happens, and my hand moves. It’s full, oh Lord. It can’t be this way. It can only be this way. Tonight. Tonight, I am with you.

My hand is full. Full of you. Your hand is inside. I see it, it’s there, and it holds me. Oh, Marzio, you are here. You are here with me. I look at you. At my side, and you smile. You smile, happy. You know how much I love you, don’t you? How happy I was to be your girl. You, mine. Being one, we could have, for a lifetime, my love. You knew it, I knew it. They took us away, but we will always belong to each other, us. One single thought of love.

You smile, you smile for me. Your smile.

Oh, Marzio. How I’ve missed you.

Everything will be alright.

All right.

His hands leave my neck, and they slowly fall from my shoulders, slipping away like a wet cloak, heavy with water, sliding off my skin. The cold is no more. His hands have no reason to exist anymore, and they fall away. Fall away. It is finished.

Marzio looks at me, glowing, shining from his heart, his eternal smile radiating. His eyes are alive, alive forever. The wind catches us, moves our hair, the warm breeze stirs his clothes, everything turns white, he smiles, he smiles for me, he smiles with me.

White drops of love rise, a sea of candid white surrounds him, I see his eyes still fixed on me as they rise, rise up, his hand holding mine, my arm lifting, he’s there, he’s this infinite light moving away, cradling something close to his chest. The last black drops fall away. It’s a child, sleeping peacefully, looking newborn. It’s you, it’s you both. The pain washed away. Purified. Freed by one last sacrifice. There is no more anger, terror, or fear. They have all vanished. Your sweet eyes on me, and you say goodbye with your gaze, in my hand, you dissolve, and yes, you can go now. You can go in peace now.

You can be at peace now. I loved you like I’ll never love anyone else.

I remain here. Watching this black ruin rise before me. Everything turns dark again, and I’m still here.

Yet at the end of the road, I see it. It’s there.

The glow of dawn beyond this black gate. The profile of the horizon. The backlight blinds me, fills me with energy. The weight of my body on my feet, I feel it. The firmness of flesh. The cool breath filling my lungs. Alive. New for a new day. A new life.

The sun rises.

It hits my face. I raise my hand to shield my eyes. The folder casts a shadow over me. Inside are Marzio’s words, his thoughts, and his work. His handwriting gleams golden against the sun.

- It’s all over. – And All begins.