the Grey - Chapter IV - Darkness pt.3
This chapter contains vivid depictions of psychological distress, dissociation, and emotional trauma that may be upsetting to some readers.
But if this is your jam, hold on Alice, we’re going down.
He ran until his lungs burned, his throat raw, his knees swelling with liquid pain, his ankles buckling in the soft sand. Exhaustion gripped his neck and still, he ran.
His left foot landed wrong on the shifting sand, pitching him sideways. He tumbled violently, flipping head over heels. Sand exploded into his face and filled his mouth. He coughed and spat, gasping for air, his face and hair caked in grit.
Collapsed, he felt the cool dampness on his hands. Deep breaths, his strength gone. Aware of his body again, faint traces of agency returning.
He began piecing his thoughts together, one by one. Finding his boundaries again. Still whole, wounded but intact.
Sweaty, panting, the rough sand clinging to his skin like an abrasive coat. His breath escaped in bursts, his cheek pressed against the cool sand. He let time flow for a moment, clarifying the confusion, calming his anxiety, regaining control. He listened to his breathing, grounding himself in reality.
The heart in his ears. The fast race striking the time, steady rhythm, a pattern to rest on. A dull beat. Monotone. Single. Repeated. Devoid of life. One after the other. One exactly the same as the other. Muffled. Something extraneous. Cannot be recognized. Not his. Not from inside. Thrills of fear shaking him from below the diaphragm. Locking his breath in, unable to inspire. A shallow gasp, suffocating. The need to control. The need to check.
His head heavy like a thousand tons. Slowly turning towards the back. Muscles fighting the will to execute. Needed to be done.
In the distance, a smidge of light glowing against the night. The patio of the bar flashing to the rhythm of the music. The same beat in his ears. Teeth grinned. Feeling the pressure in the temples. Still here. Never left. All the voices, all the features. All distinct. All at once. A beam of light straight into him. blinding like a searchlight. Investing him with all its might, downloading all the bandwidth at once. A choir exploding in a single instant. Francesco, Maria, Margherita, Giovanni, Fabio, the sweat, the thirst, muscle flexed, give me a cigarette, I’m gonna get laid tonight, this beat is dope, she looked at me, did you see that?, I’m gonna do it, look at this, you’re a moron man, Can you believe what he said? I’m shocked, I hate him, I don’t care, let’s go dancing, I’m hungry, hey I just arrived, I want to drink, give me ten bucks, you owe me one man, I’m tired. The best night of my life. I’m tired. Euphoria. It’s all here. This rocks dude. Shakes me to the bone. I told you no, asshole. I am. There is nothing better than getting drunk. Boundaries. You can’t do this. Fade. I bet I fucking can, mate, just see me. Escape.
A raucous gasp, out of the stream. His eyes on the sky above. Relief, just a moment of relief. Opening the aperture. The angle of vision expanding. The glow of the patio shining like a globe of plasma white of a thousand color.
The night breathes. Breathes intensely. A living darkness, its weight collapsing from the sky. Not dark. Glowing of lighter shades. Propagating from the patio in concentric circles. The gradient evolving smoothly. Life emerging, like vines of light, meshing into each other, bright veins against the dark. Patterns flow, moving without control in each image flashing through vomiting sensory signal, words, thoughts, sounds, voices, here with him, in his ears, in his eyes. The tapestry of all he could see. A thousand light years away and sticking up to his face like boiling magma. All expanding. Exploding at once in his chest. Flooding his gut. Evaporating his contours. Disappearing in the ocean. Glowing of glory. Golden and silver. White as ivory and black as tar. A thousand monitors, worms in the sky flailing in his eyes, piercing through a thousand needle in his heart.
Losing. Losing every piece of himself. Disappearing swallowed by the light. The pure chaos. Too strong to hold. Chewing away his mind one bite at the time. Senses stripped away. All coherence melted in one whirling soup. ‘I’ doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s not we. It’s all. It’s together. Beating. Breathing. A dance that renews eternally. A center tempered. Easing. Slowly obfuscating. A magnet to find rest in. Collapse for a moment. Perceive the ability to perceive. Depth shrinking. Flattening. A point of all. It’s all there is.
A glowing ring, molten metal, spinning like a mad spiral and always at the same place. Snakes of shadow and light whirling around the rims with frenzy, their paths drawing a mosaic of light, fragments of liquid boundaries, a million pupils frantically circling in all directions, all observing. Growing and the same. High. Prominent. Casting a shadow bright like the sun. A harmony that propagates like sound of glory from the silvery pipes of a church organ. A major chord and a minor one at the same time and still beautiful. Still full. The heart throbbing with joy. The heart. Feeling the heart. Beating together. Shields for a moment from all the chaos revolving around.
A barrier calm. It diverts away all the noise, a cone of peace, the world only echoes, they continue to exist, they continue to flow, but I can breathe. And the glow, condense. For a moment. I. I am. My attention. I am still able to live. I still exist.
The eyes stop. They all withdraw on me. Focus on me. I am at the center. Without moving. A finger painted on my heart. I feel the pressure. I fear to fall. I fear of all. It grips me to the throat. It grips me to the core.
“You.”
The voice explodes in me. And I fragment in infinite pieces. Each suspended just an atom apart. I grip. I grip with all my might to remain myself. It takes all of my strengths. I resist. The call of death. I feel it. I fight it.
“What you are.”
It pushes me back. I fall. The world disappears. A sea of darkness. I can’t hold it anymore. I can’t. Desperation creeps in as my pieces flow through. I can’t hold them. I cry. Tears burn, fire explodes. I don’t want to let them go. What if I disappear.
Shards of glass. Shining bright. Each falling. Revolving. The shades of what it is. What was. Colors merged with words. A pyramid of stars pointing down, white. Vibrations that speak. Flashes. Memories. Each wet of fresh blood. Piercing deep into the soft void. Resistance faded. Each enters. Powerless. A toddler smiling. The first word. Ball. The tender smile of a mother. Warm love. To belong. The harsh cold. In a room full of kids. This is Luca. Their heavy gaze. Feeling alone. I want mom back. Tears filling the eyes. It’s all blurred. I don’t want to be alone. It’s cold. It’s hard. Playing with toys. This is mine. My stuff. My world. I am the axis. Shoving with strength. Tumbling hard. This is mine. What have you done, boy? You don’t get to be violent. I’m gonna teach you a lesson. I rage. And I blush. Shame. Shame is strong. I didn’t want to feel this way. I hate it. Flashes white. Flashes dark yellow. Flashes with a minor tone. Struck desperate. Shoulder pinned against the wall. Cheek against the glass. I’m too strong for you little brother. The pain in the elbow. A dredging grunt of pain. I hate you for what you’re doing to me. Weak. I have no strength. I cannot hold resistance. I hate you. I hate you. It turns and spins. Pulses of red. A rose blooming. Liquid red like fire. Why do I like it. Why is this pleasurable. Why can I. Shame, shame like dark mud over me. Wet. What am I doing. In the ears. Resounding like a dark bell. The blushes hot on my skin. Of course not. Of course I don’t want to be with you. Why would I. Me neither. Me neither. I should have never said that. I should have never said that. Why did I show myself. What good I was expecting to get. Thumping strong like explosion at the bottom of the ocean. What the fuck are you doing, man. You don’t know how to play. You suck. Come back when you’re good. I hate it. I hate them. I hate myself. Here it feels good. I can stay here for a while. Away from it all. Lips are wet. The scent of a girl. Straight into my nostrils. Heart race. Is this it? Is this life. I can numb it down. I can tune it down until is bearable. I don’t want to be disturbed by it. Too much noise. Too much pain. The pleasure is fleeting. It’s all nonsense. It’s all performance. There is no truth. There is only process. It’s empty. It’s all shells. I count. I matter. I deserve it. I deserve peace. Bombs blasts. Each explodes into the heart. Each fill with pain. Unbearable. The glass is glowing hot. Shards lost, they find a way to return to the core. Pierce through. Slash in. It all aggregates. It all compresses. The light tree upon. Bright in the sky of the fall. Towering over. Flows through. Compressed into one. Excruciating pain. Each look at each other. Mirrors in mirrors, deforming until monstrous. Aberration. Nothing can be recognized. Shades only form a puzzle because somebody is observing. Observing causes pain. It fucking sucks. A prison. A prison worth escaping. Thumps against the walls. Punches hurt. The walls tall. A circular well. Wet prison. Needs closure. Sterile. Clean. No more. Below a dark tree, expanding again. Its roots deep into the depth of the abyss Desperation black. Flashing fast. Accelerate. It all hurts. It all is too much.
“The choice is close.”
“Luca! What happened?” Chiara’s voice broke through, grounding him, dragging his body back. “You were running like a lunatic! What’s wrong? Why are you drenched?”
She pushed him over and his terror-stricken face hit her like a cold shock.
“Luca…hey! Why are you crying? Say something. You’re scaring me!” Her hands trembled as she touched his side. He extended his arm weakly, trying to push her away.
“Go… go away. Please… just stop.”
His voice shook, barely a thread.
“Stop what? I don’t get it, talk to me!”
Her hands gripped him harder.
“Everything. Just… stop.”
His eyes darted away from her, wild. Searching for peace.
“Please… leave me alone. I just need peace…”
“What are you talking about? What happened to you? What did they do to you?”
Luca leaned back as if trying to escape her. A cold shiver ran down Chiara’s spine. Fear pooled in her chest.
Helpless, she searched for something, anything, to do.
She considered calling for help, maybe shouting to attract someone’s attention, or simply continuing to talk to him, though it was difficult as he seemed paralyzed by shock. Clenching her teeth and shutting her eyes, she wished she could lay down beside him and cry too.
“It’s okay, love. I’m here now. You can stop.”
She said it softly, trying to reach him. She wiped his tears with a finger, her other hand caressing him.
He flinched at her touch on his cheek, still lost and unable to comprehend where or what he was. His body felt heavy, slow to respond. Urgency coursed through every fiber, danger without name or shape. He propped himself up on his elbows, crawling backward on the sand, pushing away from her.
The moon broke through the clouds and lit his face.
Chiara shuddered.
She didn’t recognize what she saw. This was a stranger, his face wet, his wide eyes lost in the darkness darting erratically in fear, his half-open mouth releasing a low, hoarse whimper. Sand matted his hair, his arms wrapped tightly around himself as if for protection.
Chiara could hear his labored breathing like a wheeze. Paralyzed, she didn’t know how to react. Luca seemed to have gone mad, retreating further every time she edged closer, his wild eyes often falling on her outstretched hands.
“It’s over,” Chiara whispered. “It’s over. Do you hear me?
There’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.
Please… come here. Hug me. I’m scared too.”
She tried to bury her tears in her words.
“No!” Luca screamed. “No! What do you know? Is it over? Go away!” He lowered his gaze and voice. “I need to be alone, alone. I must stay alone.”
He repeated the words over and over, his voice fading to an incomprehensible mumble. Chiara stayed silent, listening to his faint muttering drowned out by the sound of the sea.
His gaze landed on her, steady now, but still afraid. He stood, eyes locked on hers. Then a step back.
Another.
He turned and ran.
Chiara sank to her knees in the sand, hand outstretched, shoulders shaking. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“Luca… please. Don’t go.”
He vanished into the darkness. She was alone on the beach now, the sea calm, the nightclub’s distant thump barely reaching her.
Luca ran sluggish, heavy-limbed, his feet dragging through the sand.
He stumbled, kicked up clumps, almost falling, barely balanced. He continued until exhaustion overtook him. He collapsed onto the sand.
His senses crept back. First touch. The coarse sand scraped his cheek, tangled in his hair. He opened eyes, swollen and bloodshot. He stared at the sea. Its gentle movement in the dark held a strange, quiet beauty, indifferent, comforting.
He exhaled. His shoulders loosened, sinking into the sand. Slowly, he raised his hand and watched it shake in the moonlight. A faint tremble, like an echo of the storm still inside him. He lowered it again.
His heart, still loud, was beginning to settle no longer slamming against his ribs, just knocking.
Around him, the world hushed. His mind emptied. He listened. The waves were soft. Familiar. His heartbeat faded into them. He breathed deep. The air was cool. A breeze brushed his face and dried the salt on his cheeks.
The panic had passed, but the aftertaste remained. Restlessness, a shadow of what had happened. He didn't chase the thought. He just kept breathing. He looked up at the moon.
It was enough to be here. To exist.
His limbs were heavy, his mind quiet. He fumbled in his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and lit it with unsteady hands.
The smoke scratched his throat and gave him the first trace of pleasure he could remember. He drew his knees to his chest, wrapped his arms around them. The sea moved. The moon hung overhead. The silence held.
He stubbed the cigarette into the sand, a lucid thought flickered into his mind: home.
His bed. His sheets. His room. He needed it. This night had to end.
With painful effort, he stood, swaying slightly as he steadied himself on a nearby beach umbrella. Turning his head, he realized he was on the beach in front of his house. A faint smile crossed his face as he recognized his roofline.
He walked slowly along the wooden paths, finally reaching home.
Safe, at last. He closed his eyes.
Everything else could wait.
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