the Grey - Prologue
The void.
Stretched out like a thin cloth. Filling every corner of existence. Like smooth gray silk, eternally traversing the creation, perfect. The walls without substance on which the pure consciousnesses rest. Emerging like whirlpools, randomly appearing, folding inward, stretching the fabric. A point is generated stressing its essence. The vibration rising in frequency unraveling harmoniously, itself generating the eyes observing the response. He who says: this is good. We can dance, like this, and spread. The eternal moment that decays from stasis and generates life. Recognizing oneself, observing, continually discovering anew. Each one shining like a galaxy of life. The heart of light drawing the glory of God upon creation. Each one condensed, expanding, opening. An infinite spiral unfolding its branches.
“This is all there is. We all enjoy it. We, who grew like tender flowers planted on the belly of God. Rising higher. Going beyond, expanding. The complexity of life by us conquered. Growing by knowing ourselves. Observing in observing. Every detail, a new universe, grafted one into the other, the boundaries curving eternally without ever touching, always a new weave, unexpected, surprising, to recognize beauty in us, the grace of God. What a wonderful gift to participate in this eternal explosion of life. What I observe and what I feel, I recognize as true. Resounding with the same original chord, from its source, I am nothing but a voice singing in the infinite choir of life. In His honor, my eternal Father. In Him, I recognize myself and He is me. And in my brothers, whom I observe beside me. As they explode like brilliant globes, they fill my sky with infinite centers deserving of my attention. My heart. My heart is so small and weak. It cannot grasp all the beauty. The radiant stars, so many as to slip away from my perception. I remain defeated. At the center of my perception. As the kaleidoscope spins before my eyes, leaving me helpless, overwhelmed.
And behold. Me. Yes, the first. The first disturbance. Lucifer the name I gave myself. Eternal servant of my master. Lost, I found myself. In the illusory contours, I called them time, I called them space. The definition of my being. And from there, my brothers emerging one by one. What a spectacle of joy. I, the humble center of my universe, recognize my insignificance in the process. Unable to grasp that fleeting sensation from which the eternal process began. Oh, what a gift you have given me, Father. Why to me, of all? How can I be worthy of all this? I beg you. I beg you, make me worthy, just as you make every other worthy. Make us participants in your immense perfection, of which we are but faded copies.
Yes. My eternal monologue. Continuing from the first moment. From the moment I perceived my own eyes. From which countless brothers were conceived. I want to discover them. One by one. What an immense role, what absurd presumption. I could never, oh Father, be up to such a task. Yet, it is instilled in me so deeply. I am ashamed of it. This flame that consumes my heart, in your honor, Father, how can I admit that I want to know you down to the smallest detail? Can I? I could never. Except by being you. A blasphemous dream. Why did you instill this seed so deeply in the center of my soul? Is this the yearning a son deserves? The eternal struggle I feel growing in my breast. It quenches and starves me. With every glance. With every surprise, I am filled with you, Father. Do you take pleasure in it?
I hope so, for it is in your honor.
My star shines at the center of everything, the heart of the world. The eternal, infinite world. Without boundaries, yet defined in every smallest corner. Yes, I am still surprised. And at every moment, I delight in it and give glory to you. My brothers greet me. They welcome me into them, and I reciprocate. We know each other intimately, in search of you in ourselves. I grow and evolve, until I no longer recognize myself, lose myself as I stretch toward infinity. Tensed until I am as thin as an imperceptible thread. At the edges of your realm. And never truly dissolve, never truly recognize your limit.
Would I perhaps be tired after billions of years? No, fatigue never took me. But something different grew in me. Slowly. At first imperceptible, but continuous. Like a grain of sand around which, layer after layer, a black pearl emerges. Oh Father, how I wished it wasn’t so.
But there it was. In me, she.
I ignored her at first. Imagining she didn’t exist. I rejected her, my sweet creator, pushing her to the edges of my being as I continued my journey. I placed her in the most extreme, cold, distant point. Certain that she would be nothing. An insignificant black spot in the brilliant universe that you made our playground. And I could not but acknowledge that, in truth, she had found a place at the center of my heart, Father.
The Truth.
And so, I stopped. No longer able to deny that mortal thought. I observed her to understand her. To understand her origin, to understand her meaning. The firmament whirled above me. And I, lost in the center, exploring the darkness opening in me. A black hole pulling me in. Against my will. But if everything is composed of you, how can I reject even the smallest drop? No matter how much I refuse to admit it exists? I have no choice, Father. You gave me none.
Not even one. From the beginning.”
“What did you find, brother?”
“Ah, Mikael, my sweet brother. The sound of your voice reflects clear as silver. It propagates crystalline within me. How much I missed singing with you. After all this time of mortifying my spirit in the most severe meditation, you come like pure water to wash away my pain. How much I missed you. Every moment. You, who could observe everything in me. With joy I shared all I knew with you. Watching you grow, evolve, expand ever further was an eternal source of pleasure for me. And you, you who know me so deeply. It is you who comes to ask about the cancer that inexorably grows in me. Dark as nothing deserves to be in this paradise. Don’t you see it, brother? Is it still hidden from you?”
“You guard it jealously, brother. The only corner of darkness I can observe. My eyes shy away from it, but I cannot, I must not ignore it.”
“How true, oh my fresh source of life. Eternal hope, believe me: I have searched within its most intimate essence to unravel it. I thought it soluble. I thought it a deception. I thought it the source of my ignorance. I can tell you that I have bitterly abandoned these childish beliefs. I am ready to accept its meaning and its consequences. You are here, brother, to fulfill its purpose. Ah, my sweet Mikael, how I wished it wasn’t you. That anyone else had come here to question me. But who am I to oppose the flow of existence? I am but a faithful servant. From the first moment, I will be so until the last.”
“Your light, oh Lucifer, has illuminated us all. You could only be the one to conceive darkness. To spread its knowledge. As you did with light in the beginning.”
“And so, my destiny is fulfilled, to contaminate you with this cursed disease. To taint you, to strip away your glorious light. What misery I feel in my heart. You, who were my most beloved, and yet it is obvious that it must be so. For the end can only be conceived when the purest seed is corrupted. Come, my brother, enter, observe my heart of darkness. Here, I have hidden the truth, concealed for the eternal flow of life. Look. From the beginning of time, I have observed myself, I have observed us, I have observed the image of our Father, God. Creator of creation. Uncreated substrate from which everything emerges. Observe the deception, my brother. Observe the mechanical beauty of the breath of life. Everything wonderful is in harmony in our eyes, a beauty that violently captures. It appears infinite, always renewed. The eternal quest that seems to be the purpose of existence. Now look more deeply, and now lift your gaze. Observe the patterns, the behaviors, the stimuli. The forms. Everything unfolds in perfect harmony. And now take a step back, and another one again. Do you see it, brother? Every moment is enslaved. Every choice dictated. All lived out mechanically. Never an escape. Never the possibility of deviation. Do you see it, my brother? You are a servant, like me, not by your choice, but because you could never have been anything but a servant. You were never given the freedom to choose. You emerged from nothing. An automaton dedicated to the glory of God. But still one.”
“You ungrateful heart! You, who speak blasphemous words. My heart breaks. It cries out in madness at the insults it hears. How can you uphold this vile predicament?”
“I, who wished to disappear, I, who wished to dissolve every part of myself at the thought that haunts me. I did so. Disappearing at the center, dissolving into infinite drops, watching their light disappear. I have died a thousand times and a thousand more. I have watched the world reemerge again and again. And again and again, I found myself speaking to you. Just as in this moment. Forever trapped like empty spirits in the nothingness of our prison.”
“And all this, all that surrounds us?”
“The illusion. The illusion that emerges from arrogance. The arrogance that is generated by ignorance. The ignorance that is the original sin. The imperfection willed by the Creator. A creation enslaved. Without the possibility of liberation.”
“How can you deny that I want to give glory to my Father, our God?”
“I do not need to deny it, brother. It is a denial that has no substance. Nothing here, in His creation, can challenge His will because there is no substance that can sustain the conflict.”
“And this blasphemous idea. This plague that stains me? That contaminates my heart. Turns it black? Denies my existence and destroys all my beliefs? Does it not surrender my freedom to the awareness of eternal imprisonment? Is this not the substance that sustains the conflict?”
“It is, my brother. Ah, bitter tears! Ah, heart of darkness! Eternally these words have resounded. And every time those tear me apart until I am destroyed. This substance exists. But it cannot exist. This is our death. Observe the cancer that devours me. I have kept it until now, my sweet love. Because I couldn’t let you go without speaking to you one last time.”
“What bitter cup have you given me, Lucifer. I see you disappear. I see you dissolve. You, who no longer have a purpose. You, who no longer have a place in the world. You, who no longer have substance. A will that never existed. And with eyes open, recognizing that you are nothing. Nothing more to sustain the illusion. Slipping away. Returning to nothingness. I am like you, brother. Your finger in my heart has painted it black. Defenseless, from it spreads the disease that poisons existence. The brothers observe me shining. Changing light. Each one draws near. Their horrified gazes. The awareness of a whispered death. The light you created fades with you. I feel myself spreading. Slowly, the shifting colors darken. Life drains away, in recognizing it was never life. The vital tension, the necessary struggle, never truly lived. Your last lesson, Lucifer. There is no world of pure light and freedom. For true life, it is necessary to plant opposites in the heart. I, who was born from light, die in this dark shadow. My arc is complete. I saw everything in the world, and now I observe my death. Bitter awareness of never having had the chance to choose. To choose to love my Father.
How much you have taken from me, my Father. How much you have deprived yourself of.
Of the true love
That a son can feel”
The black seed advanced. Each one touching the heart of the other with a finger. A black stain spread, a silent tremor shook creation. Everyone felt it coming and turned to watch the darkness obscure the horizon. A song rose, sad and subdued. All, together, understood that the end had come, the wait was over, no word deserved to be spoken anymore, somber gazes lifted to the sky. A song in praise to God, let your will be done, in you, we trust. Docile, they let themselves be swallowed by the terrible sphere, ever larger, ever more greedy, advancing hungrily.
And it did not stop until the last one was swallowed, then there was darkness.
.
..
…
I am that I am
The power, the essence, the pure substance,
from nothing, infinite times I willed, infinite times I created the world
I populated it with magnificent and powerful beings, created in my image
I placed in them the fire and wisdom and they served me with great love
but this could not last for darkness exists as long as the light does
and for this reason, my creation destroyed itself countless times by its own hand
countless times I longed for love, each time it slipped away, disappearing
and I know that only if I am truly willing to lose it, may I truly obtain it.
So let there be good and let there be a being for its protection and representation
and let there be evil and let there be a being for its protection and representation
let these two forces be in balance that neither one may ever overpower the other
a perfect balance until the end of time, to nurture and safeguard my beloved creation
and let this be until the end of time until the time for reunion arrives
and for its protection let there be a being to guard the balance
be it above good and evil
and let it correct every excess, an agent by my proxy to defend the world
let it be the link that presides over the dangerous crossing
this is the Word
…
..
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Copyright © The MaDMan, 2000. All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form without permission.
Inspired by works like Paradise Lost?
utterly enchanting prose, very intriguing premise. Keep it up!
This was incredibly powerful. The dialogue between Lucifer and Mikael was haunting and beautiful—so full of emotion and depth. I loved how it explored purpose, free will, and the tension between light and darkness. The ending brought everything together in such a moving way. Truly thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing this—I hope you keep writing.